In a wry moment of coincidence and mental irony,

Sometimes....

I hate it when people use Richard Branson and Bill Gates as examples of those who found what they loved, never settled for mediocrity, and always believed that God would somehow connect the dots for them in the end. Yes, both Branson and Gates are successful. No doubts about that. They are one of those who have succeeded in living their lives the way they wanted despite never graduating. They are good examples that education is not a hindrance to success. We just need the courage to go out and do things, instead of fretting over trivial matters. True.

And I tell you, the success stories of Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Richard Branson and their likes are truly stories that can make you feel like you can do anything in this world.... Nothing can stop you from pursuing your dream.

But we must always remember that the only stories we hear are the successful ones. For every Richard Branson story we hear about, there are a hundred failures that we DON'T hear about. There is only one Gates and one Dell. How many of us can be the next? How about those stories of people pursuing their ideal dream so hard and actually achieving it, only to find out it's not as fulfilling as it was supposed to be?? How many???

Giving those examples are extremely simple to say, and yet very hard to put into practice. There are people, stuck in poverty and most of these people do not have the liberty to ponder upon what they want to do with their lives. Everyday is a fight for survival for them. These are examples of the sheer randomness of life - the cruelty of it, in fact...

Thanks to the meritocracy system in our beloved country, it is sometimes so hard for a Malaysian with dreams to fulfill it. If one has no money, those dreams can actually go down the drain. There are stories of Malaysians with stellar academic results but was not offered a PSD or Petronas schalarship and even a place in matrics. However, with their stellar results, they were offered places to read their desired course in top universities in the world. But there again, they might not be able to further their studies unless granted a scholarship to lessen their parent's burden..

So much for those self-help books that drive the so-called positive force. It's BuLL....

God willing, He will somehow connect the dots for me in the end IF it is His calling for me to enter that trade. So be it.

The madness hath set in

I actually had some inspiration to write furiously. However, when I suddenly think of another point and put that in my memory cache (so I can type it when I am done with this sentence, when out of nowhere - *beep beep* 1 message received! Sh*t, lost it.

I picked up my hp, only to find that it is a former college mate with whom I have had innumerable text-message conversations for the past few days: "Can I call u at 8:30pm?; "Going out now. I call u tomorrow?"; "Call u in the afternoon, I'm in college."; "Can't call u later. Still in college. I call u when I'm free." ad infinitum. (But she will always manage to call me, one way or another, because the final message she sent me was 10 minutes ago, "I call u later."

It is one of those times when everything goes not-quite-wrong-but-not-quite-right-either. Suddenly you receive sms from friends that only look for you when they are in dire need of help in their assignments. How irritating. So much for Friends. Okay, I am not being selfish but these people are those you can do without and things become worst when they expect F.O.C consultation from you and at the same time, complete the rest of their assignment for them. As I am going on a frugality drive now due to a shortage of funds, I am not that generous to waste my credit sms-ing my suggestions to these people and calling them up when I'm free to give them my answer. I find myself brought to the point where I just bury my head in my hands, torn between a desire to cry and an overwhelming urge to clutch my hair and scream. And instead of doing either, I always end up taking a deep breath, reminding myself that lots of people are patient with me too and giving free assignment consultation (and they are also so nice that you feel guilty for being discouraged)!!

Neways, these friends of mine are those students that are not obsessed with obtaining a Distinction. A pass would render them the happiest people on Earth. Sad, ain't it to see how complacent they are...

Not that I was obsessed with obtaining 4.0 last time, because if I was, I could have probably gain admission into one of those Ivy League, Russell Group or other top notch universities on a scholarship and I would not be pursuing some art-sy course, as some may call it, but a professional field. And I would not have to be one of the lesser ones amongst us who have to work for the richer (business-owning) ones. But Thank God it is a 9 to 5 job, not some back-breaking Biblical toil and labour.

The most depressing kind of people are the ones who always seem too good to be true.

Are people with flaws easier to leave with?

Catch no ball?
Forgive me, for the madness hath set in.

But don't worry, I will get out of this existentialist despair soon for the polar opposite of me- personality wise is showing itself.

I feel alive

I have no personal vendetta against anybody, but I am guilty, without apology, of discrimination against a certain incompetent individual with little concern for his/her subordinates' welfare and sanity, and who turn aggressively defensive the moment somebody tries to touch her newest babe.

Dear S,

I know you had an inherent dislike for me because I am not a testosterone-laden person.

I know you have been trying your hardest to get at me, to destroy me.

I know you think that I am one person who cannot stomach any criticism, running to my parents every time a reprimand was doled out by you with accusations of prejudice and sexist.
However, before you make any bias preconceptions about me and the rest of my buddies, look deep into your own conscience. Only you would throw a fit for something as trivial as having to sing a verse of any song in public. Spare a thought for all your subordinates who had to do that during our first meeting.

I know there were times when I was weak enough to dissolve into a pool of nothing after being exposed to your radioactive presence, but I am vengeful enough to guarantee, that wouldn't be the last you'll see of me because I won't go down easily.

Yes, I may have started my career lacking in essential basic knowledge, but I am armed with a positive attitude and an eagerness to learn, and I am going to show you that I am now able to function effectively on my own.

You think I have quit playing the game.
But you are wrong.
I am more resilient than that.
I did not quit playing the game.
I just quit playing from that arena so as not to suffer from further indignity.
FYI, I have reason to keep myself in the game.
Just be sure I'll be there with arms outstretched, waiting for the day when you'll be mine.

***

Dear H,

Sometimes I wonder, are you in denial of what is in essence the truth of what’s taking place in the Workplace right now?

A "goodwill get-together" lunch at a restaurant followed by a Clubbing session after work would not erase memories of temper tantrums, bad behaviour and name calling, I tell you.

But thank you for your lunch treat and invitation. That was very noble of you.
However, sharing those dishes on the Lazy Susan did not endear us to each other.
I can decide for myself exactly the kind of company that I desire. If we could get along, I do not see the need a farcical outing to bond.
You see, H, the core problem is a lack of respect for each other, often resulting in perceived superiority and unfair criticisms of our work.

Nevertheless, H, it was fun working here, though sarcasm is very much intended. I suffered from pre-work depression, finding myself unable to have any fun on Sunday night. I suffered from work day lethargy, finding great difficulty even climbing out of bed to begin what could be the longest day.

But along the way, I discovered my strengths and weaknesses, aptitude or lack of it in certain areas. Thanks to you, I want to cease to be a slave to work, and spend more time developing other extra vocational interests. Being under other superiors were less demanding, but no less satisfying... After all, politics exist everywhere, in every organization too.

I also needed to know what it was like working in a crappy company with bitch superiors. After a while, the crap just becomes something in the back of your mind and you learn to filter it out. But how many can stand the crap and bitchiness? I know that I can't. It's easier said than done. But working under you, H and S, it was a good try for me so that I understand the nature of suffering better. To defeat crap.. you must know what crap really means.

At the end of the day, what won’t kill you will make you stronger.

***

I'm appeased, for now.

No more work-related posts, I promise, at least for the next two weeks or so.

I could not have wished for a better way to end the weekend. I see the smiles and gay abandon of the happiness at hand, and I find it contrasting so starkly with emotions that coursed through me little over three weeks ago. And the capacity to observe and experience such extremes of the human condition compels me to consider what it is to be human, yet still retain enough sanity to straddle both ends of the emotional spectrum.

I guess happiness isn't exactly something that can never happen.

Strange, somehow I do not know if I'm prepared for a better phase in slavery.

But there is one thing, the constraints of the bank account are real restrictive. I need a business plan. Either that or I have to put on a brave smile to endure whatever hostility and hell hissed at me in future when bad outcomes transpire despite all that you do.

But with Divine Intervention, I am positively sure that there will be rewarding moments, when your action makes a difference. Praise God.

Epiphany

I'm tired but awake at this godly hour.

Might have been the waking up very early in the morning and coming home late in the evening.

Might have been the heavy morning traffic.

Might have the complete lack of motivation to get my ass to the office..

Might have been the fact that I dread walking up the stairs to the office, since I only have a few more seconds to force myself to leave behind their personal problems before reaching the doors into a room where my responsibility as an employee has to come first.

Might have been the fact that you know that what the boss says, "Love your company and your job" is total bullshit.. Heck, there is more in life than work (and this certainly does not include drinking till you get all tipsy and drunk at least once a week).

Might have been the fact that my reporting superior has sold her/his soul to the company so they think that success comes by working Hard towards those lofty goals. I think when you are not forced to work too much (and you are actually playing on level ground), you can actually work smart.

Might have been something to do with the fact that I hate Weekdays..

Might have been the fact that today's Friday and the weekend's here.. (PS: I had to work today.)

Wee...

And the point is that

I have no point at all.

Forgive me. That is why people make jokes and to try to talk about random stuff- to distract themselves about whatever is bothering them, both inside and outside the closed gates of work.

But the past few days have been better. Knowing that this Transitional Breed is moving on, I wake up and realise that soon I no longer give a shit about pretending or putting on this tough act..