I feel alive

I have no personal vendetta against anybody, but I am guilty, without apology, of discrimination against a certain incompetent individual with little concern for his/her subordinates' welfare and sanity, and who turn aggressively defensive the moment somebody tries to touch her newest babe.

Dear S,

I know you had an inherent dislike for me because I am not a testosterone-laden person.

I know you have been trying your hardest to get at me, to destroy me.

I know you think that I am one person who cannot stomach any criticism, running to my parents every time a reprimand was doled out by you with accusations of prejudice and sexist.
However, before you make any bias preconceptions about me and the rest of my buddies, look deep into your own conscience. Only you would throw a fit for something as trivial as having to sing a verse of any song in public. Spare a thought for all your subordinates who had to do that during our first meeting.

I know there were times when I was weak enough to dissolve into a pool of nothing after being exposed to your radioactive presence, but I am vengeful enough to guarantee, that wouldn't be the last you'll see of me because I won't go down easily.

Yes, I may have started my career lacking in essential basic knowledge, but I am armed with a positive attitude and an eagerness to learn, and I am going to show you that I am now able to function effectively on my own.

You think I have quit playing the game.
But you are wrong.
I am more resilient than that.
I did not quit playing the game.
I just quit playing from that arena so as not to suffer from further indignity.
FYI, I have reason to keep myself in the game.
Just be sure I'll be there with arms outstretched, waiting for the day when you'll be mine.

***

Dear H,

Sometimes I wonder, are you in denial of what is in essence the truth of what’s taking place in the Workplace right now?

A "goodwill get-together" lunch at a restaurant followed by a Clubbing session after work would not erase memories of temper tantrums, bad behaviour and name calling, I tell you.

But thank you for your lunch treat and invitation. That was very noble of you.
However, sharing those dishes on the Lazy Susan did not endear us to each other.
I can decide for myself exactly the kind of company that I desire. If we could get along, I do not see the need a farcical outing to bond.
You see, H, the core problem is a lack of respect for each other, often resulting in perceived superiority and unfair criticisms of our work.

Nevertheless, H, it was fun working here, though sarcasm is very much intended. I suffered from pre-work depression, finding myself unable to have any fun on Sunday night. I suffered from work day lethargy, finding great difficulty even climbing out of bed to begin what could be the longest day.

But along the way, I discovered my strengths and weaknesses, aptitude or lack of it in certain areas. Thanks to you, I want to cease to be a slave to work, and spend more time developing other extra vocational interests. Being under other superiors were less demanding, but no less satisfying... After all, politics exist everywhere, in every organization too.

I also needed to know what it was like working in a crappy company with bitch superiors. After a while, the crap just becomes something in the back of your mind and you learn to filter it out. But how many can stand the crap and bitchiness? I know that I can't. It's easier said than done. But working under you, H and S, it was a good try for me so that I understand the nature of suffering better. To defeat crap.. you must know what crap really means.

At the end of the day, what won’t kill you will make you stronger.

***

I'm appeased, for now.

No more work-related posts, I promise, at least for the next two weeks or so.

I could not have wished for a better way to end the weekend. I see the smiles and gay abandon of the happiness at hand, and I find it contrasting so starkly with emotions that coursed through me little over three weeks ago. And the capacity to observe and experience such extremes of the human condition compels me to consider what it is to be human, yet still retain enough sanity to straddle both ends of the emotional spectrum.

I guess happiness isn't exactly something that can never happen.

Strange, somehow I do not know if I'm prepared for a better phase in slavery.

But there is one thing, the constraints of the bank account are real restrictive. I need a business plan. Either that or I have to put on a brave smile to endure whatever hostility and hell hissed at me in future when bad outcomes transpire despite all that you do.

But with Divine Intervention, I am positively sure that there will be rewarding moments, when your action makes a difference. Praise God.

Epiphany

I'm tired but awake at this godly hour.

Might have been the waking up very early in the morning and coming home late in the evening.

Might have been the heavy morning traffic.

Might have the complete lack of motivation to get my ass to the office..

Might have been the fact that I dread walking up the stairs to the office, since I only have a few more seconds to force myself to leave behind their personal problems before reaching the doors into a room where my responsibility as an employee has to come first.

Might have been the fact that you know that what the boss says, "Love your company and your job" is total bullshit.. Heck, there is more in life than work (and this certainly does not include drinking till you get all tipsy and drunk at least once a week).

Might have been the fact that my reporting superior has sold her/his soul to the company so they think that success comes by working Hard towards those lofty goals. I think when you are not forced to work too much (and you are actually playing on level ground), you can actually work smart.

Might have been something to do with the fact that I hate Weekdays..

Might have been the fact that today's Friday and the weekend's here.. (PS: I had to work today.)

Wee...

And the point is that

I have no point at all.

Forgive me. That is why people make jokes and to try to talk about random stuff- to distract themselves about whatever is bothering them, both inside and outside the closed gates of work.

But the past few days have been better. Knowing that this Transitional Breed is moving on, I wake up and realise that soon I no longer give a shit about pretending or putting on this tough act..

31st March. Tuesday.

The end of the month

is probably the most looked forward time of the month by all employees

knowing that your pay day is coming soon.

You become more discipline,

oh yes, finally I'm going to get paid for those days I hardworkingly turn up for work.

You wait impatiently at your workplace

as your boss distributes the pay slips to the staff,

unfortunately your one never came to you.

You ask where's yours? You are also an employee so where's yours?

"Oh, you don't have because you are still under probation," says your boss.

You looked puzzled. "Ain't I still an employee? Don't I have to contribute to the EPF and SOCSO like the others?" you wonder.

"Okay, your salaries will be banked into your account on Friday night. So all of you should be getting your salary on Monday night," you hear your boss telling everyone.

Oh well, all those questions can be answered at another time. The most important thing is my salary. I'm getting it SOON, in 5 days time. Yay!

Then your boss announce that everyone will have to become office janitors on Tuesday because the company obviously does not have a janitor. "Nevermind. Sacrifice for the company for the sake of being able to get your salary a day earlier than as stipulated in the contract.

Monday evening comes. 6:00pm. Your colleague logs into her e-banking account. "My salary is not out yet," she exclaims.

You went to the atm after that. balance status. The screen showed the original amount. No changes. Apparently your salary is not in your bank account yet.

Tuesday, a kind-hearted superior calls KL to check on the status of everybody's salary. Oh, it will only be in on Wednesday night as the cheque takes 3 working days to be cleared since it was banked into another branch.

10 minutes later. You receive a shocking news. KL loss your bank account number (that you gave them on your second day of work) so your cheque has not been banked in. The cheque will be banked in tonight. they promise. You will only be able to get yours by the end of this week, which is already 3 days into the new month, provided they keep their promise to bank in your salary tonight.

**

I am irritated with that company which makes their employees feel like they have to beg the honchos to pay them. I am pissed with the company that does not hold their employees in high regard.

It's 11:40PM already. In 6 and a half hours time, the alarm is going to ring, signalling another day. Another weekday. You hope it is Friday, but it’s not. It is only Wednesday. 2 more days till Friday. You feel like shit. You think of a million and one reasons to take MC but you can't because your company has delayed your salary so you cannot afford to spent RM20 for that piece of paper and some medicine. Once in office, you want time to go faster so that you can leave the office and go for lunch. You realised you may have made a mistake in life… You dream of striking 6/49 so that you could probably take a lot of drudgery having a workaholic boss who thinks that people should put work before health and family.

sIGH.

Miserable? Not at all!

3 more days of holidays. Nice. Okay, it isn't holiday. It's 2 days of MC for me to have sufficient rest so that I can recover from my flu and the pain of raw wound in my mouth.

Okay, this week did not start off well. Wait a minute, none of my weeks in March start off well all thanks to my bitchy superior. I immensely hate her. I feel extremely victimized whenever she is being bias and putting pressure on me to deliver, which is often, mainly because it’s been done to me before in a huge blowup of events not too long ago. In fact, I daresay that she is not fit to be a superior at all because ever since the day she took over the reins to supervise me, she has been employing tasteless tactics to piss me off every single work day. It became so bad that I spent many a day agonizing about this and often wondered if I should continue remain with this company until the end of April. I think I will settle on preserving the hardship..

The pathogens from the office decided that I shall be their victim after attacking the boss and another colleague. My flu got worse yesterday, so I ended up with a hoarse voice and I felt like I'm drowning every time I breathe. At 10am, I had a headache and a fever which thankfully dissipated after I down half a Nasatab tablet (no nap cos I was at work). It felt unproductive to be sick: you don't feel like doing anything except sleeping. When I woke up this morning, I thought of calling in sick. Thank God I did not change my mind, and it was a good choice! My bottom left wisdom tooth started aching yesterday and the gums were swollen last night after dinner. Since I made up my mind to call in sick, I decided to pay a visit to the dentist after seeing a GP for my flu and fever, only to find out that that wisdom tooth was impacted. So under the dentist's advice to remove it, I underwent a minor surgery to remove it.

It's hell being having pain in your mouth and flu at the same time. You do not feel like eating but you know you gotta eat before you can take your medication. Anyway, I drank porridge water for dinner and swallowed 1 ibuprofen in between to get rid of the pain that does not seem to disappear completely with paracetemol 650mg. The ibuprofen has not worn off yet so it's not painful now, though I'm having this eeky feeling in my mouth when my tongue touches that part of my gums. Beisdes that, I feel the stitches pull slightly on my gums when I open my mouth to talk.The local anesthesia was a little disconcerting. I like that I could not feel pain when the dentist cut open my gums though I felt bearable pain when he used some apparatus to dig out that impacted wisdom tooth of mine. However I hated the numbness that spread to half my lips. It was like having half my mouth paralysed. Two hous later, the local anesthesia slowly wore off and the pain kicked in. My lower left jaw was throbbing with a dull pain! I swallowed a paracetemol 650mg and Amoxycillin 25mg. I was crying for 15 minutes until the effect set in and I was knocked out soon after.

PS: Amoxycillin is an antibiotic. Please inform your doctor before hand if you are allergic to Penicillin as Amoxycillin belongs to the Penicillin group.

Okay, I know I have made myself sound miserable. Yes, I am miserable though all miseries disappear knowing that I do not have to go to work tomorrow and face that bitch.

Just remind me to call her up before 8:30am tomorrow to say that I'm still sick.

I'm Out. Off to dreamland.

Burnt out

Okay, as expected, I do owe everyone some sort of explanation for my prolonged absence and putting this blog into a self-induced coma.

I'm tired. I apologize for the delay. However, I have decided to delay no more for..

It’s Friday 11PM! TGI Friday! Tomorrow's Saturday!

The moment I clocked out of the office at 6:30pm after the meeting, I felt like I wanted to crumble, but it’s a GOOD feeling - a lot more comforting than having to hold myself upright when I’m tired.

I think I’m burnt out.

I’m burnt out from waking up extremely early from Mondays to Fridays.

I’m burnt out from the hustle and bustle of the corporate world bubble.

I'm burnt out from the endless pressure that drown me by my superior to meet the target (But Praise God for His grace is helping me exceed my superior's expectations for this week).

I'm burnt out from trying to stay away and remain as quiet as ever so as not to land myself in the office politics that exist in that small company.

I'm burnt out from constantly having to open myself up to other people’s piercing judgments in order to take a step forward.

I suppose I’m simply burnt out from work life, which is simply unbelievable, because I’m only in my first month, and should be a lot more resilient than this. But this fatigue hangs off my shoulders. It clutches at my throat. It peels my skin back layer by layer. At the end of the day, I go to work, waiting anxiously for 6p.m. to go back to what seem my sanctuary. I'm burnt out to the extent that I have found a liking to sit in the office's toilet in solitude. Not that the toilet is 5 star rating or what (it is barely one star), but being able to ease myself in the toilet to escape from a few minutes of work is simply satisfying. Those times of quiet, those quality times, are really so much better than the constant frustration that gripes me as soon as I sit down at my work desk.

But it's Friday evening. It's back to the civilized world, a world of liberty and peace, and rest.

Oh YES.... i do not have to wake up early for the next two days!

My bed and my pillow happens to be beckoning to me now.

One advice here: Don't work if you don't have to!! DON'T.